Deep Thought

This is going to be an unusual and serious post. Just FYI. I'm not expecting anything; just writing what's on my mind.

I always feel like I'm an annoying person. There are aspects of my personality that I'm sure are annoying to some people, but I mean in general, I think I'm annoying. I feel like if I start talking more, people will notice how annoying I am. I don't like that. I want people to like me. And I know that's not great either, but it is what it is. I yam what I yam (and apparently I'm Popeye?).

I tend to go through this cycle. I'll start feeling like I'm kind of left out of groups of friends, so I start talking more, and then I feel like I'm getting annoying, so I stop talking. And then I start feeling left out again. It's a vicious circle, and I can't seem to find a way to be happy. I shouldn't care so much what people think, but I do. I can't seem to get past it.

There are times where I can just accept that some people may not like me and that's ok. But those moments of clarity don't happen very often, and they don't last very long.

I think I need to just get out and make some friends. I haven't established a group out here yet, so maybe this is just a result of being lonely. I haven't had any friends (apart from online relationships) in a long time, and maybe that's all I need. There are also hasn't been very much good happening, and life is just very stressful, so I'm sure that's playing into it too.

Anyway. That's what's on my mind today.